The Struggle To Survive.


Somewhere along the journey, we were told a force greater than ourselves promised us something pure beyond our greatest imagination.

Is that true to say?  That somewhere along the line, whether your mother, or teacher, or priest told you there was something way greater in life than what we see before us.

But truly, what did they mean when they said that?

And where is this “something pure beyond our greatest imagination”?  Where do you find that?  In the present moment or something?

There is something about being ambivalent to the greatness of our own lives, this “something” we are told to define our whole lives, but often have trouble defining it.  The struggle comes from defining it.  And in moments when I have trouble defining this “something” that I am living for, I am so inevitable faced with thinking about my own death.  That one day this is going to end.

Are you comfortable with death?  With dying, with all of this just ending?

I’m not, or at least I wasn’t, and somewhere along the journey of  today, I was.

I became comfortable with death.


Astronauts have said from the surface of the earth, they realize how special we are.  They explain the darkness of space like a darkness one has never known.  It just goes on forever.  From all the searching we have done in the universe, we have yet to truly confirm the existence of other life, any life really.

Our lives on this planet are so precious. So rare and plentiful on an island planet far from any other traces of life.

So small, but so many of us.

So insignificant, but covering a planet that teems with life.

So magnificent, a hidden gem in the universe.

Embracing the present moment of being alive, of celebrating in the life of spring, and peacefully surrendering to our inevitable deaths is truly what produces this profound amazement we all have this planet, to go out and conquer the next planet (Mars).  To keep conquering, to keep moving, to keep expanding.  We are one living organism living for the continuation of our survival, and when you think about being a human in that sense, it brings a tremendous amount of weight on all our shoulders.

We must consistently think of our life as a Mandala, the sand portraits Buddhist monks spend weeks building.  Once the Mandala is finished, after intense detail and hours and hours of work, the monks just sweep the dust away.

So is our life.1065303949

I often wonder why put the effort into any of it at all, and then I think of these Mandalas and it reminds me of how insignificant but meaningful life can be.

Revising “Girl Who Rises Sun”…The Symbolism of a bear…

I love returning to my work.  The second chapter of “Girl Who Rises Sun” is about her running and coming across a bear.  The bear is supposed to be a symbol of the things lurking in our life that we fear: disease, death, debt, chaos, war, famine, etc.  The bear is just supposed to be a basic symbol of fear, and a recognition to be grateful for the lives we do have.

Our lives can end at any minute, I find myself someone who may think about death more than the regular person.  The other side is one that all of us will travel to, whether we are ready, or want to, or not.  The second chapter entitled “Bear” is about the first step for Sun’s journey to become her greatest version.  Very early in her journey, Sun needs to realize the precious, fragile condition of her own existence.  Encountering a bear close-up is enough to realize the lack of choice we all receive in the face of our own mortality.

In the chapter, the bear approaches her, shows its teeth, and growls.  She stands, petrified, not knowing what to do.  As some sort of message that Sun is a “chosen one” or “indigo child”, the bear has a moment where it decides whether or not to attack Sun.

He won’t attack Sun, because the bear has some great, ultimate wisdom about her greater journey.  Sun will see it as a sign….

The bear took a moment to look at Sun.  The bear’s black eyes looked deep in Sun’s eyes, sniffing her face with his moist, black nose.  She could feel the beast’s hot breaths on her cheeks, smell the pine trees from its fur.  He stared into her eyes again, and they both knew the decision belonged to him, especially this dark in the evening.

As though he knew his power, the bear growled, flashed his teeth once more, and turned around.  The white moonlight glistened off the bear’s brown, fur back.  He didn’t look back as his hunches shifted back and forth into the blackness of the forest. 

Near death experiences can change the way one sees their life too.  A brush with death is an experience which can transform us forever, becoming more grateful for every breath and moment.

I came across a bear once while hiking to the top of the La Luz Trail in Albuquerque, NM – – – my home town and where I have lived the majority of my life.

I had heard rustles and saw a black entity flinch in the forest

“There’s something there,” I said.

“It’s a bear,” replied my husband.

I didn’t realize how little I knew about bears until that moment.  Paralyzed, I didn’t know how to react, to make noise, to be quiet.  Like a moment trapped in time, a moment becomes much more vivid when one thinks it might end.  Like when you are traveling on a rough, bumpy airline flight, the ones where everyone is quiet and terrified.

Become A Vibrational Match to Your Desired Bliss

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At the new year, I created a vision board.  I covered it with beaches all up and down, I needed to go to a beach!

If you don’t believe in vision boards, you should, because in this life we attract what we feel.  We gather around people who have the same feelings as us.  We gather around areas that have the same feelings as us.    We become the same vibration of that what we are.  What you think affects you, and if you think all about beaches, well….. one day you will be on a beach.

We only live once in this world.  We only have one life, from what we know.  Why would you waste that on nonsensical thinking?  On thinking about how much you dislike a person, or on other things you may not like.  We should take the negative only as a way to see our shadow side.  With the negative, we can realize that there are some things we really do want in our experience.  When we realize what is negative in our journey, we have an opportunity to see what we do want in our experience.

For example, you may say to yourself, “I don’t like my boss.”

Maybe your boss doesn’t treat you right.  Maybe your boss insults you, or puts you down, or isn’t on your side.

Where is the positive in that?  (you might ask)

The positive is knowing you want to work with someone who respects you, collaborates with you on exciting projects, trusts you with new ideas, and maybe even sees a gigantic ocean of possibilities in the future for you.

It’s time to stop thinking about what you do not want, and to start thinking about what you do want.

This positive spin on things is hard to think through at times, but when you do this with your negative thoughts, you will unveil an enormous wealth of power to give you what you deserve in your experience.

Your feelings should always be a compass to your desires.

Have you ever thought that you should just go with your gut instinct?  This is based on how we feel about a scenario.  There is so much cosmic knowledge inside each and every one of us that to feel it is to live it.  To think it is to live it.  To want it, in many ways, is the same way as having it.

Any one who can close their eyes and vividly see a past memory, knows that you do not have to tangibly own something to mentally acquire the feeling from it.  Our minds are incredibly powerful.

So the next question I have is. . . . .

Why is it that we attract what we think?

Does focus really run that deep?

Who knows!  But look, I got to the same beach on my vision board!

Vision board on friends!!!!


Things I’m grateful for:
My family
A home to live in
My health
My own, free will
My ability to choose my destiny
Freedom from the system
Living my life on the wings of a butterfly
Self reflection
Self awareness
My wonderful husband
The stars
My babys smile
The continual success of my etsy shop
The ability to attrack more money into my life than i ever wouls have before
My sobriety
The peace of mind sobriety brings
My calm home

Harvest your seeds of gratitude!

Off we all go to create beauty!

promotion   Times really are changing.  I don’t know when the job market became so competitive, but it has.  It’s truly depressing, and I guess that is why we are on the verge of a depression.  When depressions happen, no one can become the things they want to.  Teachers can’t become teachers and librarians can’t become librarians.  Everything starts to destruct. I wish the economy was better.  I wish we didn’t have to be so educated and that money could be found everywhere.  But I’m too old for wishes.



I didn’t think the government shutdown would be lasting this long, but it has.  I was only expecting the government to be shut down for a day, not the seven that it has been.

And why?  So politicians can throw around big words, big dreams, try to shoot down Obamacare, try to gain control.  Control, control, control.  It feels like everyone is so much more about control as we all start to lose our jobs, houses, and lives…

I think my neighbor is losing his house.  Another lady at work is on the verge.  Everyone is on the verge of a huge universal shift it seems lately.  People are either having babies, getting married, moving away, or profoundly changing something in their lives.

I get the feeling that the whole universe, right now, is in flux.  Anyone else feel that way?

Paul the Penguin

paulI’m reviving my favorite comic book character today, Paul the Penguin.  I had invented him in high school, and had really drug his character out long and hard, but after a while, Paul was a little too depressing for me.

Since I am now working under a pen name, I find it a lot easier to express myself through this penguin’s anger/upsetness about the business/corporate/capitalistic world.  I think I will do more of him.

❤  He makes me happy.  ❤


Raising a Lil’ Girl

Once I realized that I would be raising a little girl in the world, my thoughts about everything have changed.  A woman at work recently made a comment to me about my acne scars, and how bad they are, and how I really need to make sure when my daughter grows up that she doesn’t have acne scars either.  This was, after she wouldn’t stop talking about her $1600 vacuum and how her husband is shopping around for a Mercedes Benz.

After she said this, I tried to think to myself, “What will I tell my daughter when she comes home from the playground and says another girl called her ‘ugly’?”

I thought about it.  The truth is that when people say caddy things about you usually when their own life is under attack.  This woman at work always comes in pale, red lips, smelling a bit of alcohol.  I remember the kid from middle school who used to call me fat.  As I grew older, I realized that he was probably upset with everything because he didn’t have any father around.  He made fun of everyone, was mean to everyone.  It’s usually a defense mechanism.  People are mean to other people as a defense mechanism to deflect what’s really going on with them.  Happy people don’t say mean things.

All any of us can do is just try to get through the day.

Venting Days

It’s been a while since I posted.  It’s because I’ve been stressed.  Part of me has started to think that writing this blogs has been sort of counter-intuitive.  I have such a mind of a marketer.  I am always trying to market my art, my vision, my….everything.

Do you all ever get tired of marketing yourself?  Of walking down the hallways at work, hearing the busybodies say “Why aren’t you smiling?”  “Smile, this is work!”  Do you ever get tired of the those who want you to be on your best behavior, your bright-eyed busy-tailed smiling face, and when you respond with just a dreary “okay”, they scuttle away as though you have broken some foreign cultish code?

Sometimes I wished in some Scandinavian country.  I bet they don’t smile as much in those countries.  I wish I didn’t have to have my non-smiling face questioned.

I know I probably shouldn’t vent like this on my blog.  It goes against what all the prominent bloggers say you should do.  In order to gain an audience, you need to write about a similar thing everyday, you need to use certain keywords, you need to do guest posts.

What if I just don’t want to do any of that anymore?

I am thankful I have this hidden alias where I can vent about how I feel.

The internet scares me these days.  Since I’ve become pregnant, I’ve harbored less of an interest to tell everyone on Facebook that I ate a Twix bar or that I’m going to an awesome party they aren’t invited to.  Facebook has become just a place where everyone’s egos seem to echo through the vapid hallways of over exaggerated stereotypes, a classicism of perspectives, and venomous playground bully attitudes that have grown up to become the dysfunctional white-collared worker next to you.  And the next thing you know, you see them posting how their kid is one of the most amazing flute players in the state of Alabama on Facebook, complete with a picture of chubby cheeked Jake holding a golden flute like a trophy of insensitivity that his family has awarded him during his short-lived survival in a dysfunctional nuclear family.

And that’s the majority of Americans.  Over 75% of all Americans grow up in a dysfunctional home.  It’s ill-willed to expect Jake to be even different.  I mean, that alcoholic coworker next to you, who always comes in pale, smelling of gin, and ready to ask you why you can’t lose the 40 pounds they never gained, is the person who is raising the next generation of families.  This white collared menace is happy to announce in the work hallways that they are a nihilist, they believe in nothing.

And then we wonder why America is on the brink of a major economic depression.  We are a culture of ego-obsessed people trying to get everyone to believe that our Facebook pictures of parties and picnics truly means that we are happy.  But when we pull our computer screens and skins back, all that we are able to see is this continual void that not even a new purse, a bottle of gin, a joint, or money can erase.  The hole is omniscient throughout the seats of theaters and creates a stench throughout our highway streets.  We travel in lined cars the way ants do, and when we are coming home from work, there are other human-ants waking up on the other side of the world, continuing the pattern.  Go to work. Go to work. Get to work. Be at work.  Do Work. Do Work. Go home. Go home. Eat. Sleep. Sleep. Wake up. Go to work.

How do the rest of you deal with the routine—or more so—how are the rest of you dealing with these vapid personalities who seem to think that the only way to eternal happiness and salvation is through a perfect size-3 body, flawless skin, and enough money to brag their way to feeling like their own identity can be substituted with something as silly as a dollar sign—-how do you all deal?

Because I don’t have any clue in the slightest how to.


Neurologist Appointment


Well, like was stated in the last post from others in the comments—never let your OBGYN give suggestions about the state of your brain.  They studied OBGYN for a reason, and while my doctor may be brilliant at the business of birthing children, I think I will leave the brain tumor diagnosis to the experts.

My neurologist told me that my exam looked great.  My chances of having a brain tumor are something like 1 in 100 or even 1 in 200, in other words, incredibly rare.   Considering how good my neurology exam went, it’s more probable that I don’t have a brain tumor, and more likely that I have a genetic predisposition towards seizures.  (My parents and brother have both had seizures).

Nothing brightens up your day more than knowing you probably don’t have a brain tumor.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have to have an MRI, and while it’s possible, my neurologist seemed incredibly optimistic that everything was going to be okay.

Pregnancy is an interesting change in one’s body, that’s for sure.  After my incident, I have learned that a lot of people have dormant issues that start to become more apparent with pregnancy.  Some people have a disease that pops up that never had symptoms before, and some people get gray hair.  Pregnancy is just a strange time for women.  It’s hard to predict anything that could happen.

That seizure was the scariest event that has ever happened in my life.  I still find myself wondering what would have happened if my husband hadn’t heard me scream at 3am that night.  Even though I don’t remember screaming, I told him that I probably was screaming out to him because I knew what was about to happen.  I probably knew that if I didn’t scream, he wouldn’t hear me, and who knows where I would have been by then…

Thank you for all the support, fellow writers.  It’s scary to think about what would happen when life is suddenly taken away from you, makes me realize how selfish I have been and how I need to look beyond that selfishness.  I need to be more thankful for the life that I do have.